Noah’s Ark 2008
It is the year 2007 and Noah lives in Canada (let us pretend for the minute). The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark”.
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications of the Ark “to Noah. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything and everyone on board in one year.”
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord knew Noah was sitting on his front porch, weeping uncontrollably. “Noah,” The Lord shouted, “Where is the Ark? Can you tell me why you disobeyed me?”
“Lord, please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were so many problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and it turns out your plans did not comply with the Provincial codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and modify the plans. Then I got into a fight with the Township Fire Department over whether or not the Ark needed fire sprinkler systems and all floatation devices had to be approved by the Federal and Provincial Marine Corp.
My neighborough put in a grievance against me at the Municipal level, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my back yard, so I had to get a variance from the Township Planning Commission. That approval is not here yet!
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark. There is a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted and Hooded Blue Owl. I finally convinced the Canadian Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife won’t let me catch the owls; so no owls. The carpenters union went out on strike. I had to negotiate and mediate a settlement with the Provincial Labour Union and now I have 16 carpenters working on the Ark, but no owls.
When I began to round up the other animals, since construction finally got under way on the Ark, the SPCA, an animal rights organization sued me. They objected to me only taking two of each kind on board. Just when I got that lawsuit dismissed the Bureau of Environmental Protection Services notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood program. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Corp of Engineering for the Provincial Planning Committee demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them the globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking the godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The Tax department has seized by assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying my taxes. I just got a notice from the Province that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a “Recreational water craft”. And I failed to get the permits in place to dock the Ark in an accredited marina.
Finally, the RCMPC is taking me to court to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, claiming that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or t6 years.” Noah was in tears!
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “Does this mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?” “No,” replied the Lord, sadly, your government already has!
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